The furnace of ideas

Bieber Fever…

I have to admit…I am a great fan of Justin Bieber.  Whenever I hear the song going “Baby Baby Baby Oooh!”, my taste buds begin to tingle in anticipation, and my glands hopelessly salivate as i fantasize about the tender flesh of newborns.

However, my fantasies do not go so far as to include the fanatic Bieber fans that stalk his every movement.  Death threats are such a half-hearted method to try to treasure Bieber and own him for yourself.  For every poor girl fleeing in fear for her life or meeting her end with a bloody axe or chainsaw, there will be a million other pre-teen girls dying to take her place in a heartbeat.

These poor misguided fans do not realize that to obtain their true love, they have to reach for the source, not all of the other silly followers that will screech and faint before they can even get close to their goal.  The true means to obtain Bieber’s heart is through surgical tools.

Now, you can place his heart in a jar and hide it in a safe place where only you will know.  You will own Bieber’s heart forever (or at least until it decays and rots away).  And as an added bonus, you can sprinkle sparkles on his body and he’ll be a TWILIGHT VAMPIRE!!  You can even give him a thunderbolt scar and a wooden stick and….here comes…… BIEBER VAMPIRE HARRY  POTTER WIZARD!!!!! ITS AS IF ALL POSSIBLE DREAMS IN YOUR LIFE JUST CAME TRUE ALL AT ONCE IN AN EXPLOSION OF AMAZINGNESS OF RAINBOWS AND SPARKLES.

*FINE PRINT.  YOU MUST READ THIS.*

To all Bieber/Twilight/HP fans, please don’t come after me and kill me.  IT’S ALL A JOKE I SWEAR.  I WON’T GET NEAR YOUR FANTASIES, SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!  Also, please don’t actually follow this advice.  I know some of you are craaaazyyyyyyyyyyyy, but I don’t think human hearts are very tasty, it’s probably not worth it.  If anything, the brain is a better choice.  Besides, the heart isn’t the actual source of emotions.  It makes much more sense to try to abduct him and brainwash his mind to only think about you than take his physical heart.  His dead brain will still be thinking about someone else in its final moments of glory, and you will fade into obscurity…well maybe not, you’ll probably be infamous in newspapers and get a shitload of death threats yourself from the other fans whose lives you just ruined.  Their sole purpose in life will then be to go after you only.

Anonymous asked: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3Nqguav6nE&feature=related

Forgot about this video.  Thanks anon.

Inspiration to be a Doctor

My friend today described her desire to be a great pediatrician, and it was truly an inspiration.  I love little kids (mmmmm so tasty) and I realized it would be a life-fulfilling job for me.  The current system is inundated with issues that do not take into consideration the childrens’ well-being in consideration.  Just look at this picture:

The children act as if they’re crazed animals on LSD.

Pediatricians can play the most influential role in a child’s life if they use their powers wisely.  The first, crucial step is to earn the kid’s trust.

Some are just too mentally retarded to understand that you are doing what’s best for them however.  In this situation, a little stronger persuasion, aka straight-jacket, is required.

With the situation under control, the next step is to administer the shot that will better their lives forever.

Success!  Now, as all doctors know, a major concern is lawsuits.  Parents are extremely paranoid about their investments, so you have to ensure that they understand that their child is now destined for greatness.

And soon the world will be a better place.